Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
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Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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