So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
