we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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