I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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