Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
