Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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