I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize