my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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