I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Oh god it's open bar.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
