I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
