I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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