The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
