I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
