HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
