I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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