I accidentally burped into my bong.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
