Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
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