I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
