I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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