So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
