hotel room ftw
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
