I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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