Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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