Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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