My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
