sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
