Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
