he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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