You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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