I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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