Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
