Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
