I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
