The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
