Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
