Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
It's Friday. Sex?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
