Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
