my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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