Cold hands, warm shart.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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