I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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