once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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