It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
