I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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