His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
