so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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