Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
