He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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