I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
