i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I am midnight drunk by noon
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
