Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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