can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
