If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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