My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
