Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
