best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
