Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize