Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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